# getting into the real shit . ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡
Entries:
I foolishely went to a party yesterday, and got so drunk I couldn't stand. Maybe this is the sign of a truly tortured soul. I usually would consider myself to be "above" that type of thing. I used to not have many emotions, I thought I was too good for it. I took a chance, I had justified it to myself; saying, "Oh, I need to get into some trouble once in a while. I'm usually a good person, it's going to be a learning experience." And that was my earnest intention. I went and didn't think I was going to drink, but alas, it was there, and I was tempted. Can you blame me? I'm a human, I urge for things that I know I shouldn't have. Things went a certain way and this poor torture soul enjoyed himself, in a fucked up way. Only feeling true happiness when I'm blown so far out of my mind I can't feel my face, falling over and bruising myself in the middle of a darkened wood. Obviously an exaggeration on the happiness part, but...
As I previously mentioned, I really considered myself to be "above" this. Above drugs, alchohol, sex, and all other types of debauchery. Above parties, socializing, etc. I thought to myself before going that I would much prefer a small gathering with people I already know. In the moment though, with some familiar faces and some unfamiliar ones, it felt pretty fun to be wasted. I could smile at someone and share the experience of doing something wrong, something that would make us both go a little silly. So how do people do this when they're adults, and it's "fine" for them to get a little bit tipsy, on their own time and money, without the raciness of using a fake I.D. to procure whatever toxins to be consumed. Seems a lot more lame. After I smoked weed for the first time (which I have to say was a hellish endeavor in itself, the product was laced with something way worse that just weed, or maybe I'm a lightweight), or rather, ingested an amalgmation of cookie crisps, sugar, and marijuana, in my morning stupor I dragged myself throughout school and discussed the effects with the guy that I did it with. The day after that though, when I sobered? Absolute hell. Not because of physical after effects, or maybe it was due to some chemical release of enxymes or some other substance due to whatever it was spiked with, I had a sudden overcoming of dread across my body. I highly value the "first time," maybe it makes me feel better than other people, to be able to say, "Oh, I'm a virgin," or "Nah, I've never had a drink in my life, no drugs, either." Now I've knocked two of three out of the park, blacking out on both of my "firsts," and it gets me anxious just thinking about it. That which I hope will quell my existential crisis, I've started to work on my percieved superiority over others, which is by no means justified by any achievements, accolades, or birth rights. Maybe it's not to feel better compared to others, it is not as if I look down on people that have lost their virgnity or have used substances, maybe those that have a problem. It's mostly for myself to prove that I'm innocent, worthy of being loved. Now that I say it outloud, (typed it), it's more ridiculous than I previously thought. Maybe because little me always thought to himself "I'll never be like those people, drinking and drugs are stupid, and sex is disgusting as well. I'm going to focus on my career.... and video games."
I was speaking on Thoreau in my last entry, and upon thinking about it more, it caused me to further hate the non-seperation of church and state. Not just for the sake of keeping the state protected, but for keeping the state out of religion. I can't imagine how many changes have happened to the Catholic church because of the reigned supreme power that decided certain members of the congregation were conspiring to kill him. Do you understand? It makes no sense that religion, which is always centered around those things that are above humans, should rightfully be prioritized in a thing such as government, which is entirely centered around the conduct of humans and their earthly desires. It's an entirely man made thing, unlike praying over food that feeds us. (You could argue that's man made, which you'd probably be correct about, but seeds can grow without a humans influence, the seeds of government cannot.) I understand if politicians could say things like, "God bless our country," "God bless the queen," (Now King, RIP Elizabeth) etc. They say it in middle eastern countries as well on the news but I don't know the exact words they use. I can understand that, because saying "Merry Christmas" isn't always about wishing the other person a happy time in celebrating Jesus's birth. Sometimes it's December, and you're working at Target, mindlessly scanning items, and you just want to get through your day without being broken out of the customer service daze, and some 300lb white bitch with POWERFULLY green hair says, "Actually, I celebrate Kwanzaa." And you can tell that she's sincere about it, because her BBC is about two feet in tow behind her, but you can't say anything. If you did say something, you would lose your job, and the 800$ that you need to purchase gifts for your siblings at home. So you just say "Of course, ma'am, Happy Holidays." To which she HUFFS away, dragging her foot slave behind her. But anyways, while these things we say to each other can be stripped of their religious context and apply to more contexts, saying that God wants you elected into office is pretty riduclous. Religious appeal is suddenly indecipherable to anybody. But that brings me to another point, if you KNOW that the person that's speaking to you is trying to influence/persuade you to do something, does it make those appeals less effective? Can you still be convinced if you know the other person is intentionally trying to be convincing? Even if you already agree with what they are saying!
Thoreau's ideas are very interesting. Before school I was babbling on (to nobodies pleasure) about how we should restructure elections, away from the celebrities that are presented as all-knowing, perfectly fed elites that will either rule with power or destroy the country, to my friend, and he said to me:
# "Did you read Thoreau today in class?"
# To which I responded, "No, I haven't."
And in that way, I felt as though I had achieved something. For thinking the same thoughts as somebody that was so respected as a thinker that we should study him in a literature class. It made me wonder how much I would be praised if I somehow produce a document full of my most inner-radical thoughts, dusted off by somebody well after my death, to be recompiled, reading through the scribbles and tangents on the esoteric literature I wrote my thesis on, published, and then nationally commended as a beautifully well written masterpiece on politics or human nature or whatever makes people feel like they are achieving a higher sense of being. Not as if I have enough life experience to make a well formed take, free of bias, and unique enough to provide a new perspective to the world. I could probably do well at boring students with complicated run-on sentence structures, just as I'm doing currently. Well, this respected literary thinker is not going to work on literature, but going to work on disgusting, slop music, that will soon be uploaded to soundcloud for 6 unfortunate souls to fall upon and listen to, holding back tears and hateful comments filled with slurs and other predatory content.
